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Wednesday, July 13th, 2011

Time:8:58 am.
Bounce music is hilarious and Big Freedia is amazing.

If this doesn't make you want to do a handstand in a Wal-Mart shopping cart, then I don't know what to tell you.

Tuesday, February 15th, 2011

Time:3:57 pm.
There's this lanky little gray cat in the neighborhood who's been following me and Kim home for the past few days. Every night one of us will open the door to get into the house and this dark blur just runs on in, sniffs for a few seconds and then starts purring and rubbing against our legs. I'm pretty defenseless. The little guy isn't quite a year old, I think, but oh my god is he sweet! I'd been running into him on the sidewalk on my way back from work long before he started following me home, and he just lets me scoop him up and hug on him like it ain't no thang. Surely he's not feral if he's chill with that. He's got to be someone's pet.

Rufus really has mellowed out, you can tell, because he hasn't flipped the fuck out and attacked the visitor; he hisses but mostly just sits and stares, unblinking and kinda crazy-looking like a Nam veteran. The visitor is pretty scared of Rufus, which might be why my fat old man is being a little more restrained than I'd expect.

Shona keeps asking me if I've named the visitor yet, and I haven't. I can't. If I name him then he's mine and we really can't have any more pets around the house -- we have Evi, who is a big silly dog, and Rufus, who is a fatass.

Then again... Shona is taking Evi with her, so...

Okay, I have to stop thinking about the visitor because we really can't have another animal. Really can't. Even if it's an adorable muffin who keeps following me into the house and napping on our day bed. Really... can't...

This has nothing to do with anything, but if you've never seen "Leprechaun 5: In the Hood" then you're doing yourself a disservice. I tried to GIS a screen shot of the evil leprechaun smoking a blunt with Ice T, but I can't find it so you'll have to stream it on Netflix. Truly innovative film making.
1 cups. MY cups.| RED DRANK

Saturday, February 12th, 2011

Time:11:42 am.
blah, blah, blah, boring, blah blah weight loss blah blah financial AIDS blah blah hurdy gurdy goo

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1 cups. MY cups.| RED DRANK

Thursday, February 10th, 2011

Subject: "Steaming hot water of the bee" sounds like an ironic hipster book title.
Time:11:39 am.
Hi guys. I know my birthday was in December, but I need this please. Patrick is exempt from the obligation to buy me anything on account of the Betty White calendar, Smokey the Bear fun pack and assorted sundries, and Socrates bought me my favorite Betsey Johnson necklaces out of all of the Betsey Johnson necklaces I have so she's clear too, and Sam's cool since she got me that gigantic expensive box of awesome makeup that I plaster on like a trollop. The rest of you better get working at rebuilding our friendship through the means of bribery, though, and here's a good place to start: auction

It's only 15.00. I know that's the starting bid, but who the fuck else do you think is going to bid on this? Nobody but those who love me the very mostest, I hope :3*~

Steaming hot water of the bee.

Steaming hot water of the bee.

Steaming hot water of the bee.

Wednesday, February 2nd, 2011

Time:2:55 pm.
From my lakefront property located on Fantasy Island, I can pay $300 - plus another 6-700 dollars for airfare and hotel stay - for the glimmering opportunity to attend Write & Pitch in San Francisco this year. The only things stopping me from doing this are the following negligible terms:

1. I don't have $1000 to spare
2. I don't have a finished manuscript
3. I really don't have $1000 to spare, seriously
4. No, really

The Write & Pitch website is actually kind of hilarious. It's a well-known, highly regarded and enormously advantageous thing to attend, since you not only get to personally meet with actual agents and editors from big-name houses (Harper Collins being one), but said editors will review your manuscript or short story or whatever and give you personal in-depth critique and realistic advice from the marketing side of the industry. If your work really stands out, the foundation will set you up with a contract through the sponsors. However, you've got to be good enough to impress people who say things like this:

"We don't deny that several writers conferences out there like Tin House, Maui, Santa Barabara, etc., stir up lots of energy and make for a good time and even include some useful short workshops for beginning writers. Of course. Regardless, given they are mob-heavy and juggling speakers, panels, brunch for two thousand, and whatnot, they can't (and won't) spend the time it takes to prepare each individual writer for the ruthlessly competitive atmosphere of the literary book market. Fact."

Hmmm yes I see. Well, no worries. I'll save up a bit over the next year and see if I don't have enough money to buy a golden throne made out of tears and piles of mulch churned out of rejection letters. This year, though, I'm going to this:


Oh boy! And it just so happens to take place on day two of my spring break. *~*cool beans*~*

Monday, January 31st, 2011

Time:1:20 pm.
The Underground is dead almost every time I go there. Remember when it wasn't all sassy angular furniture and tacky color combos straight out of "The First Wives Club"? It used to be fluorescent and dirty beige, smelling of coffee and populated by weirdos like any proper basement hangout. Now it's all... clean. Along with the dirt and bare-bones decor went the people. Isn't that funny? Not that redoing the Danna Center matters anyway since Loyola's going to tear it down soon. I wonder if I can bag one of those cool orange spinny chairs for my house. I'll just sneak into the dumpster at night, duct tape myself into the chair and wheel myself on down Claiborne Avenue, stopping only at my driveway or at the Magnolia Discount for one of their delicious baskets of fried chicken.

Also, if you got that First Wives Club reference then you are a huge dork. I love that movie. I don't even care.

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Monday, January 24th, 2011

Time:10:22 am.
So school is awesome so far and it's great to be back. I'm very happy.

Mike and I went to the New Orleans Bingo Show last night, and it's about goddamn time. I've only had their CDs on a loop on my iPod for, what, a year now? Their albums are fantastic, by the way, they really are. I was expecting the live show to be a little less awesome in terms of the music, if only because Bingo is a mixed media art performance/bingo game/concert/burlesque thing all rolled into one and it's harder to focus on playing perfect music when you're running around doing a bunch of shit on stage, but holy testicular Tuesday Batman. Holy Shit. My jaw was on the floor the whole time a la Jim Carrey in the hit 90s movie The Mask. No. Oh god. The first song, THE FIRST SONG had me all choked up, and by the time they got to playing "New Orleans" I was spellbound with moon-eyed delight. This gay earth redeemed itself for two hours last night.

Here were the instruments involved on any given song:
- standing bass
- bass guitar
- electric guitar
- violin
- cello
- keyboard
- accordian
- tambourine
- kazoo
- saw
- theremin
- drums
- bullhorn
- saxophone
- ukulele


Clint Maedgen has a hell of a voice. Holy Shit. And for all the face paint and performance art, it was astoundingly unpretentious. I didn't see a single hipster in the audience!

Thursday, January 6th, 2011

Time:3:58 pm.
Incredibly boring wall of text about sexual repression. Don't feel obligated to read it; it's just here because it's important to me for personal reasons.

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Wednesday, January 5th, 2011

Time:12:38 am.
Okay, so maybe my last post was a wee bit misleading: I love New Orleans.

(cut for the courtesy of the people who hate hearing about this topic)

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4 cups. MY cups.| RED DRANK

Tuesday, January 4th, 2011

Time:3:42 pm.
Yesssss I finally have THREE WHOLE DAYS off from work!!! Fuck yes!! After two weeks of pulling endless 10-14 hour shifts with a manager who actively wants me to die in a fire and customers straight out of the goopiest section of the gene pool, I have THREE WHOLE DAYS to myself! I can sleep in excess of 3 hours at a time, clean my house so that it doesn't look like a legion of angry badgers trumpeted through it and maybe even cook meals that don't consist of half a watermelon-flavored 40 and stale pizza!

...Except Lisa called me this morning and I'm pretty sure that I groggily agreed to come in to work today. I thought it was part of my dream, but I checked the incoming calls on my phone and...

god dammit.

Oh well. At least it's just a 5 and a half hour shift, right? And this is Tuesday in January, so it'll be slow as balls! Good deal. Trololololo, down to the Quarter we go.

Heeeeey, what are all of these red-shirted weirdos doing on Canal Street? Why is everyone wearing hoodies emblazoned with "ARKANSAS" on the front? Are the Saints playing Arkansas? I didn't know there was a game today--

Oh. Ugh, whatever. At least Mardi Gras is pretty late this year, so the crazy tourist season will be slowing down up until April for Carnival, and then after Mardi Gras it gets slow again til the fall. I can put up with one or two big events until then, no big deal! I've made it through Voodoo, Essence, Halloween, Jesusmas and New Years without stabbing anyone for loitering stupidly on the tiny sidewalks and refusing to move when I try to get past them on my walk to work. I haven't gone berserk and throttled any portly beaded visitors for asking me Fox News-approved Katrina questions, I haven't had any panic attacks from the claustrophobic effect of bloating the tiny French Quarter with 20,000+ visitors every weekend because tourists rarely seem to want to stay anywhere else in the city, I haven't flipped out and murdered anyone for getting pissy with me when I can't give them directions to "that hotel, the one with the roof, and it's small and the roof's like... brown, and it's got these big double doors"... what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. The slow season is coming. The reprieve will come.

Wait. What? Mardi Gras is early again this year? How early?

The... first week... of March? But that means... Carnival will be for almost the entire month of February...

Oh no. Not this. Not this shit again. Not the random bus outages. Not the 30 dollar fare to get to work. Not the drunk customers and rampant shoplifters. Not the Chick tracts left inconspicuously on the t-shirts. And the beads... so many beads...

No. Fuck. Ass. Expletives. I did my time, okay? I worked on Bourbon Street for a cumulative total of seven months. Seven months of this non-stop Mardi Gras mask-wearing hand grenade-drinking bead-hauling titty-flashing Eagles-covering bullshit, I did it. I earned my right to be a bitter local. I did it. And I can do it again, but I just need a little time, okay? Please?

I'm going to be working and going to school full time this go-around, and I just need to wind down a little, get comfortable with juggling two schedules during the slow season before... this happens.

I worked through the winter holidays this year, I need some time to recoup. I need... I need...

4 cups. MY cups.| RED DRANK

Monday, December 20th, 2010

Time:1:58 am.
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tldr; For Christmas, I will be performing an ancient Sumerian necromancy ritual with intentions of raising Carl Sagan from the dead. Feel free to join me, especially those of my friends who are virgins!

Oh wait
4 cups. MY cups.| RED DRANK

Thursday, December 16th, 2010

Time:7:37 am.
oh god i can't sleep HELP MEEEEEEEEEEEE

Thursday, November 18th, 2010

Time:2:55 pm.
My job interview today:

1.) Tripped after being buzzed in. Stood up just in time to hear "please watch your step" from the electronic door. Concierge was discreet enough to wait until he thought I was out of earshot to start laughing.

2.) Realized only too late that the application I'd sent in a month ago hadn't gone for a receptionist position in a small office, as I had thought, but for a receptionist position in a small office in a four star resort.

3.) Apparently the Rich White Person's definition of a receptionist includes more bill collection than customer interaction, with a smattering of accounting work on the side.

4.) The guy who interviewed me was stunningly attractive and kept casually touching me. He also offered me a mimosa during the interview. "See, we're having our biweekly wine and cheese tasting event tonight, and I have some champagne chilling in the fridge here..."

The incredibly formal, snooty atmosphere was so bizarre to me that after I left, I had the insane impulse to just kick off my heels and run into the nearest dingy dive bar I could find. Fortunately this is New Orleans so there were two right next door. I put my hair back up so that everyone I passed could see my decidedly unprofessional tattoo and was like, okay, somebody get me an Abita and a homeless man to talk to STAT.

At least I learned something from it: I'm living proof of how easy class mobility really is! I went from being raised in money to literally fleeing from it. Take that, OBUMMER.

Monday, November 15th, 2010

Time:6:14 pm.
I have undying love for you, Miss Ankles.

Also I have the same birthday as Puccini, albeit 130 years apart. How rad is that?
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Sunday, November 14th, 2010

Time:2:16 am.
It's never mutual. I just feel like I have to put that out there. It really never is.
1 cups. MY cups.| RED DRANK

Wednesday, November 3rd, 2010

Time:4:35 am.
hi, i would just like to say that scrivener is the best fiction writing software in the history of the universe, holy shit. i'm using the free windows beta right now and it's amazingly helpful.

(you can paypal me $20 at your leisure, scrivener company people. just fyi.)

but no really. wowsers.

things are okay on my end, i suppose. life is squalor as per usual but i'm throwing myself back into & and it's starting to help. i'm applying for jobs again, that's good.
i submitted to the lullabies fiction contest. having seen the other submissions as they are posted upon editing, i think i'm going to win. if i don't win, i am going to be very irate.

Wednesday, October 27th, 2010

Time:1:49 am.
Everything dies alone. Remember that movie?
1 cups. MY cups.| RED DRANK

Sunday, September 26th, 2010

Time:2:28 pm.
Also, hail Eris.
1 cups. MY cups.| RED DRANK

Friday, September 17th, 2010

Time:4:22 pm.
J.D. sent me a lovely e-mail today. I was glad that it wasn't another racist forward, but rather a very interesting peek into the fabulously deep recesses of my father's mind.


Think back and reminise with me for a moment - where were you - and or - your head in 1969?

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Sunday, August 22nd, 2010

Time:6:07 pm.
Dear A,

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LiveJournal for KAJA KAJA GOOOOOO.

View:User Info.
View:Website (omg).
You're looking at the latest 20 entries. Missed some entries? Then simply jump back 20 entries.